whirl wind

my life is changing...and fast. things are not how i planned them to be, and of course i'm still in prayer over how i want them to be. but i'm very grateful to my god who has taken care of our needs. the past few posts have been really down, and i'm not sure if writing just does that to me, but i'm really not like that in real life.

which brings me to this up beat post! my pastor last sunday had an interesting sermon. it was about being real. not a fake, "everythings alright kinda christian". but a bare all, get down and dirty, know who you are and own it kinda person. (those being my words not his) anyway, his point was, to find out who we really are. which requires some soul searching. his example was if your into pornography and you've prayed for years for the desire to go away and it hasn't, then maybe you should ask god to search you for the reasons you have those desires. i'm not sure if i totally agree with that. i'm aware of some crazy stuff out there in this spiritual world we live in. and you have to be very careful how you approach that stuff. but i also believe that if someone wise is trying to teach you something, i'd be a fool to not consider it. do you think it necessary to get down to the bottom of why we have problems with certain sin, or do you think that's asking for trouble? do you think it's possible to continue in prayer for god to release a hold the enemy has on you, without calling out demons?

after reading that, i guess there really isn't anything upbeat about...oh well. it was on my mind. as for me to answer those questions, i have no idea! but the idea does frighten me a bit. maybe next post i can be a bit more upbeat. and post some pics!


the end...

has already been written. if you really think about that...it takes worry, anxiety, frustration, fear, depression and lack of hope out of the equation. which without all those things heaven just seems that much closer. can you imagine a place, of no tears, no fears, and continual love....i can't. i really can't. so much love is so unimaginable to me. i love my kids so much it hurts, and to think god loves us so much more..is really mind blowing.

so my last post was a bit dark...real, but dark. so i'm happy to say god has so faithfully lifted the darkness and brought in a whole lot of light! i still have no workout, weight lose plan, no word, i'm just excited to be alive, excited to be a child of god. excited to sit in anticipation of what god is doing, even though it still seems blurry to me. i choose to focus on his great promises, to be faithful and to be sovereign. makes my day pretty worry free!

also, the comments you left me, literally left me in tears...one because i was so touched that anyone even visits! and two, because i'm now 30 and i cry for everything and at any given time. once i was a stop light and i got a glimpse of my oldest son (in my mind) with a cap and gown on, and broke into full tears...at-the-stop-light!!!  he's only in 7th grade. i'm a mess!



as i read all my favorite blogs, i see all these beautiful women inspired about the new year. some have a word, others a workout plan, some weight lose goals, and of course the ambitious ones to commit to accomplishing dreams. i on the other hand don't. i have no special word, i laugh at the idea of a workout plan, weight lose leaves me speechless and dreams to me happen when i sleep. the monday after new years i started reading all my favorite blogs, and then the slight depression set in. i sat there kinda feeling insignificant. it wasn't good.

i can't say much has changed. i still have no word, workout/weight lose plan, or dreams. i have me praying asking god to lift this darkness and bring his purpose to light. i know i was created for him, to serve him, worship him, love him....but i know it gets more specific. and right now patience is what i'm learning...and to be honest, it sucks. but i cling on to him, and his promises which gives me hope and for now that's more than enough.


i forgot!

i can't believe i forgot my password for this blog! ok, i think it'd be great to start 2011 with actually writing in this blog. can you believe it's already 2011? i remember when everyone was freaking out about 2000! news channels were reporting thousands of people were emptying there bank accounts, and stocking up on food and water cause they were sure the computer systems were gonna shut down and riots would take over our streets! i'm happy to say that chase and i had about $87 in our account, so we weren't too worried. that night i barely made it to ring in the new year. nothing exciting.

i've been thinking about new years resolutions....i can't say they never work, it's more like i don't work. so i figure i'll write up a few new plans and this time pray over them. i hope that this new year i'll spend my time growing closer to god. maybe this year i'll actually hear him...BEFORE i panic. imagine that!

on a side note, my husband asks me if he thinks god laughs at us? i quickly shook my head no, but then i really thought about it. not that he would laugh in a mean way, but the way our kids make us laugh. i mean, he knows every move we make before we were created...so that takes away the shock of it. i don't know...do we make our father in heaven laugh?



i've been fully aware that i've neglected this here blog. do you ever get so sick of your own thoughts? well, i do. sometimes i just want to shut my brain off....i have the problem of over thinking things TO-DEATH! I decided to delete my other posts...because i'd like to start fresh.

i've had a few recent events in my life that have brought me to the cross. not one particular event worse than another, but the compilation of events. which honestly i think that's better than one major event. one day i'm reading my favorite blogs, and becky at farmgirlpaints was talking about friendships. ( i tried to find that specific entry but i'm not that savvy yet). she was talking about the ability that friends have to lean on one another in christ. how we have the ability to ask for prayer, share the word,  just share the common thread of christ. i began to crave that. i've had it before, but this time around i want it to look different. i want it to be real,  and genuine. i want my friendships to have my heart. i want to give freely, and have the compassion, and love that jesus gives us. when i ask a friend "hey, how are you?" i usually don't mean it...i know, that's sad. it's more of a saying, not a real question. i want god to shine in my friendships, not inappropriate humor, not gossip, not slander, or jealousy, or envy, or any other thing that doesn't reflect christ.

as that desire for friendship began to grow, so did my desire to mature in my relationship with jesus. i wanted to know my savior more intimately than i've ever known him before.  i've had some tragic things happen in my life that have been pivitol in my relationship with god. but i wanted to be closer. as these two desires began to take over, i found myself sitting before god with excitement! i am so excited to see what he has for me everyday. god began to show me how little my faith is in him. in my quiet times, i've even found myself on my knees praying, and at times begging god for my requests, and he has been so faithful. god has put this desire in my heart to grow, and mature, and the blessings i'm already receiving are real friendships forming that are christ centered! some are old long time friends, and some new women i've just met! god has given me a passion to love on the ladies at my church. i'm not sure how, it could just be praying for them, maybe more. i am sooo excited!!!! my faith is still small...i'm NO WHERE near moving mountains...just about an hour ago, i was in my kitchen crying because my lack of faith. but i know he is so faithful...and these moments of fear will be lessons and will produce fruit.

You looked for much, and behold, it came to little. And when you brought it home, I blew it way. Why? declares the LORD of hosts. Because of my house that lies in ruins, while each of you busies himself with his own house. Haggai 1:9